Wake me up inside
by DogwoodTreesAndBumblebees
Summary: I didn't know how she could see into my eyes, like open doors. She saw the pain and the sorrow, and everything. It made me kinda mad that she could and I couldn't. R
1. Chapter 1

**okay, just incase ya'll get all freaked out, I didn't change the story, the only thing I changed were the names and just a few little grammar things.  
Oh, and I was way too lazy to upload it all in chapters, so you get a three chapters :)**

Review :D

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I sat in the front row next to my mother and father.

My mind was blank.  
Nothing crossed it.

It was dark, every bit of it dark.

The wind, the sky, the clothes on the people around me.

Normally you wouldn't notice anything, I always dressed in black.

But I suppose the lack of jewelry, make up, big hair….you would notice it.

_This wasn't supposed to happen._

He wasn't supposed to – just not now.

Why did he – oh god and with his girlfriend?

I felt a sob crawling up through my chest as the thoughts passed my head.

The ones that I had banned for so long were coming.

I tried to stop them.  
I did! I swear I did, I tried so hard to keep my thoughts blank.  
I found that I hurt less when I did.

But…just not now.

I can't believe this….

It hurt so much.

With a gasp I felt it hit me like a fist to the gut.

Everything.  
Everything that had ever happened.  
The good, the bad, the soft, the hard, the memories…the end…

Of course I don't remember the beginning.  
Who would remember their birth?

I must have let out a gasp.  
Georg and Gustav looked at me as my mother sat crying.  
My father and stepfather were trying to hold it together.

"Dude, you all right?" Gustav said leaning in over the back of my seat.  
Georg put a hand on my back.

"Shou – should I be?" I whispered.

Gustav didn't have an answer to that.

I felt numb, so numb, but…in a way…I didn't.  
In a way I felt every feeling.  
But it was behind a wall.

The world was blank to me.  
All things shallow and alone.

_This pain is just too real._

Did he realize he still had all of me?  
Did he know that?

Something moved beside me.  
I didn't notice.

I didn't know how long I had been there.  
I didn't care.

The last weeks had been a blur.

Everything wrong.  
Everything off.  
Not there…not going to be.

I felt myself not being there.  
I was in my head somewhere and I didn't want to come out.

If I came out then that meant that I was accepting what had happened and I was not ready to accept anything at all.

I looked up.  
Something other then my black, chipped nails catching my attention.

People were walking past the Black boxes of doom…(Yes I know I am being a tad dramatic.)

A girl walked past me, she was alone, no one was standing by her side as most of the people had some one holding their hand.

I never saw her face.  
She held a proud sort of demeanor.  
One that said that she would live on no matter what.

Her head was held high as she walked past.  
I only saw her back.

I did see her neck though.  
It was long and white, stray dark brown curls falling out from her bun that was pinned to the top of her head.

It even had at tattoo of what looked like a small black fairy, the fairy was weeping.

Her scent reached my nose as I inhaled the sweet perfume.  
It smelled of Lilacs.

I looked back down at my lap, I played with the hem of my sleeve.

I felt a soft gaze hit my face, it was full of understanding and compassion.  
By the time I looked up all I saw was the girl in the small black dresses head turn.

___________________________________________________________

I stood with my parents as people walked by and kissed them on the cheeks and said their condolences.

My best friend Andi was sitting with his head in his hands.  
He didn't look too good.

"You okay Andi?" I asked.  
It was the most I had spoken in weeks.

My voice was raw even to my own ears.

A few people looked my way.  
My mother burst out into more tears.

Andi looked up at me.  
His eyes were red and swollen.  
His wispy blond hair fell over his red cheeks.

"I think I hate God." He said looking up at the sky.

Rain was starting to fall.  
Just a few droplets at a time.

I felt one hit my cheek.

"I get where you are coming from." Georg said patting him on the back.

I looked out into the sea of Black.  
The sea of pain and tears.

My mother leaned on my stepfather's chest.

He looked like his world had come crashing down on him.  
He was more my father then my real one was.  
Not that my blood father was any less tormented by the circumstances.

He was talking to my grandmother in a hushed voice.  
Willing himself not to cry.

I can honestly say that if I could cry I would, I would sit and bawl for as long as I could.  
But for some reason I couldn't.  
I just could not cry, even if I wanted to.

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I didn't want to face the pain because I knew that if I faced the pain it might just destroy me.

All at once I hated everything.  
I wanted to get out of there so fast.

People were crying.  
Everything was terrible.

My father walked up to my mother and hugged her.

Andi said something to my stepfather, Gordon.  
Silently I walked away.

No one seemed to have noticed.

The place was huge.  
The best money could buy.

No one would come to disturb him without due cause.  
No graffiti would be placed on the stone…although…he would have liked that…maybe I could get some one to do that?

God knew I had strings I could pull.

It was starting to rain more.  
I felt rain drops hit my face every so often.  
I started to see less and less of the thick white stones that littered the ground.

Soon I was just out in an open field.  
Trees every so often.

Mist lay on a heavy layer on the ground.  
The dark green grass casting eerie shadows everywhere.

I kept walking as the rain got harder and harder.  
Soon I was far away from the noise of the gathering.

Nothing but my nonexistent thoughts reverberated around my head.

Suddenly I saw a dark shape in the distance.

It was short and dressed in black.

It seemed to be a woman in a black dress; she was looking up at the sky.  
I walked closer to her trying to ignore the pull that I felt to her.

I was about twenty feet away now, the rain blurred my vision, but I could see that it was the same women that had passed me when I sat with my parents, pretending I wasn't there.

Her hair had fallen out of its bun.  
It looked like it had been curled before, but the rain was soaking it to the extent that the curls were falling out.

Her brown tresses looked black with the dampness.  
I walked up next to her, looking up with her at the sky.

She just stood there with her eyes closed as the rain pelted her face.  
I mimicked her actions.

I didn't think she even knew I was there.  
She didn't move when I walked up.  
We stood there with our faces in the warm rain for what seemed like ages.

Nether of us moved.  
But there was a feeling of comradeship that flowed between us.  
Like we both understood.

It was in a moment where I had been trying to imagine myself as a thick raindrop falling to the earth, feeling the wind rush pasty my tear shaped body as I plummeted to the earth only to shatter into a million little droplets when I felt it.  
A soft, slender, strong, bony hand filled my own large one.

At that moment I looked down from the sky to see her gazing up at me.  
And for the first time I saw her face.  
It was pail in the washed out dusk.  
Her brown eyes were red and puffy.  
Her thick black makeup falling down her face and streaking in the rain.

Her lips were soft and pink and were something I am sure any man would love to kiss.

She smiled a soft smile at me and reached her other hand to my face.

She stroked my cheek with the back of her hand; her lips trembled.

With a soft jerking of her head she started to pull me off farther away from the people who were surely inside by now because of the rain.

As she pulled me I fell instep behind her.  
She was tiny in frame.  
But still some what tall. Her black dress clung to her body as the rain pelted us.

Soon enough we stopped walking as she sat under a large, looming Willow Tree.  
She pulled me down to the ground; we sat at the base of the old, sweeping trunk.

Its leaves and bark protected us from the majority of the rain.

I felt a soft spot for her, the girl who I didn't even know her name.  
I put my arms out, holding them wide.  
She let out a watery laugh and crawled in my arms.  
We sat there for I don't know how long.  
Her head on my chest and my head on her shoulder.  
My arms were wrapped around her slim form the rain hitting us as we sat there.

Slowly after a while she pulled back and looked me in the eyes.

"I'm sorry about your twin." She said looking up at me with wide eyes.

She didn't say "Sorry about Tom. Or sorry about your brother."  
She said "Sorry about your _twin." _She seemed to understand that he wasn't my brother.

He was my soulmate, my other half, my partner in crime, the reason that I was who I am.

For some odd reason she understood he was more then just a brother.

A strangled sound came out of my chest.  
I closed my eyes trying to calm myself, to keep the wall up that had for so long protected my sadness.

"Hun, you gotta breathe." She said.  
I opened my eyes to see her looming over me with a worried air.

I let out the breath I hadn't known I had been holding.

"Don't worry. I find myself doing that more and more. It's finding yourself doing it that's the important thing. You don't want to get to the point that you forget to breathe entirely…why put any more strain on our mothers eh?" her Chrystal clear voice had a teasing air to it.  
But I could see the hurt that was buried deep with in her soul.

"I – It hurts." I mumbled.

"Well of course it hurts!" she said as she sat back into my grasp.  
I held onto as if my life depended on it.

I see now as I write this that my life did in fact, depended on her in my arms.  
And to this day it still does.

"Look, its not going to get any better." She said. "I hate to be the one that says it but it isn't. You're gonna feel the same gaping hole that you feel now. The one that makes you feel that something is void within your soul. Alcohol and Drugs aren't gonna help – so don't even bother going down that road, women aren't ether. But you gotta learn to live your life the way that it is now. Not in the past." She said.  
Her voice cracked, as if she wasn't quite as sure as her words sounded, but there was also a determination behind her words.

"You're Maria aren't you?" I said.

She looked up at me with her brow furrowed in confusion.

"Siobhan, she talked about you a lot. She said you were a blunt pain in the ass that wasn't afraid to tell it like it was and more often then not it's what you needed to hear." I said.

With a swift movement she turned her face away from mind.  
And then, she was back at looking at me.

Like it only took her a moment, but in that moment of weakness she didn't want me to see any of her pain.  
Of _her _Pain.

As I think back on it I am sure that that is what her motives were.  
Knowing Maria she probably didn't want to give me a reason to feel any more pain then I already had.

"I'm hoping that she used the term 'blunt pain in the ass' as a term of endearment?"

Maria said in a watery laugh.

"Of course. Sibby spoke very fondly of you. Said that she liked you even more then her own sister at times." I spoke softy.  
Maybe that way she wouldn't get scared away.

"I am sure!" Maria let out in a choke. "Anna's a little demon."

I looked into her eyes and wondered how such a beautiful creature could hold in such pain.

With the hem of my sleeve I wiped away her make up.  
She closed her eyes as she felt my touch.

"Why did you wear it if you knew that you would be crying?" I asked.

"First of all, I haven't cried thank you very much. And two…" she thought for a moment, her sharp reply slid into a quiet whisper. "I wanted some normality. Something I could rely in, if I wore heavy eyeliner like I always do, then maybe, maybe I would still have a piece of myself that was unscathed by all of this." She wove her hand in a wide arc in front of her.

Some where in the distance a huge roar of thunder sounded.  
Her face was wet as water droplets clung to her long black eyelashes.

"I guess I can understand that." I said. She was getting me to talk.  
I don't know how but I felt safe with her.

She was a good listener.

"Would you do me a favor?" she asked in a quiet, unsure voice. "You don't have do if you don't want too…I can get Gustav or Georg to do it, they seem nice enough."  
She met my eyes with a sad look. "But I really would appreciate if you did it."

"Anything." I said.  
She reached into her purse that lay forgotten on the ground and pulled out a newspaper clipping. It was covered in plastic so that it wouldn't get ruined.

I looked down at it to see a photo of my brother holding the hand of a girl about ten inches shorter then him with soft eyes, a smooth face and long hair that was a soft down color.

I felt a twang hit my heart as I read over the text.

**_"Diese Zeitung ist traurig zu berichten, dass gestern Abend um 11 Uhr Gitarrist der Band Tokio Hotel Tom Kaulitz und seine Freundin von 10 Monaten getötet wurden Siobhan White in einem Auto-Unfall._**

******_Die beiden waren auf dem Weg zu besuchen Tom's Zwillingsbruder Bill Kaulitz in einem lokalen Pub. Ein betrunkener Fahrer treffen die beiden in einen Kopf über die Auswirkungen, Miss White starb am Auswirkungen Kaulitz und starb an Kopf und Rücken Verletzungen auf dem Weg ins Krankenhaus. Er wurde tot am 12.23._**

******_Herr Kaulitz hinterlässt Zwillingsbruder, Mutter, Vater, Stiefvater, Freunde und Familie, ein Erbe, und Legionen von Fans._**

Ab jetzt ist es unsicher, ob es zu einer Beerdigung.

David Jost, Die Bands Manger hat erklärt, dass Kaulitz wäre verbrannt. 

******_Mehr gemeldet werden, zu dem Thema, wenn mehr Details bekannt sind." _**

****"I can only make out a few words." She said running her wet finger down the page.

"The band Tokio Hotel, of course, his girlfriend. Her name….Tom's twin Bill Kaulitz….her name again, then things like twin, mother, father, stepfather, friends and Jost's name…" she said as she pointed to each word on the page.

"But since I really don't speak German, I wanna know what it says….what it says about her…" she said looking up at me.

By now I was feeling quite cold from the water rushing around us in the spring rain.

I took the page from her hand and read out loud.

"This Newspaper is saddened to report that last night at 11PM Guitarist for the band Tokio Hotel Tom Kaulitz and his girlfriend of 10 months Siobhan White were killed in an Auto accident. The two were on their way to visit Tom's Twin Brother Bill Kaulitz at a local pub. A drunken driver hit the two in a head on impact, Miss White died on impact and Mr. Kaulitz died from head and back injuries on his way to the hospital. He was pronounced dead at 12:23.

Mr. Kaulitz leaves behind a Twin Brother, a Mother, A Father, A stepfather, friends and family, a legacy and legions of fans.

As of now it is unsure whether or not there will be a funeral.  
David Jost, The bands Manger has stated that Kaulitz would be cremated.  
More will be reported on the subject when more details are unveiled." I read. I tried my best not to beak down at the sight of it.  
I felt my walls crumbling slightly.

She nodded her head.

"You sneaky devil you. Saying there wouldn't be a funeral." Maria said in a horse voice.

"It was Saki's idea. Jost thought it was brilliant." I said.  
I felt like something was crawling up in my throat.

"And you Bill?" She asked.

"I didn't think anything. I was in bed trying to pretend that I didn't exist and willing it to come true." I was ashamed to say it.

"I like it." She said. "Complete denial…I should try it some time." She nodded and looked at her hands.

"I – I'm not – I'm not in denial, its just not real yet." I said.  
And with that sentence I felt the entire wall that I had hidden behind for the last few weeks fall like a crumbling mountain.

I saw her in a different light.

Her face was different then it had been a moment ago.

Older, wiser…more depressed.

I truly saw the amount of pain she was in.

A question popped into my head as it hit the tip of my tongue.

"Have you cried?" I asked her.

She looked down at her lap, her hair stuck to her head in a sticky mess.

"When I found out she died I was sitting in my kitchen, I had a bunch of friends over…most of them I had gone to church with, my youth minister was there too." She said avoiding the question.

"The phone rang and I walked over to it laughing at something Austin had said. I picked it up and asked who it was. The line was gravely, I could hear someone crying in the background, it sounded like a guy. I asked who it was and waved for the people to shut up. I must have had a really bad look on my face 'cause I know that I felt a bit of dread balling up in my gut, every one looked at me. The guy on the other line said that his name was Georg Listing 'Georg Listing Bassist Georg Listing?' I had asked, he definitely had a thick German accent.  
Then my next statement was 'its Four in the morning in Germany…why are you calling me at four in the Moring?' he told me that Sibby said that I was her best friend and that he had gotten my number from her computer, he said that she had gotten in a car accident that that she had died on impact, I could tell he was trying to keep it together."

I felt my breath hitch in my chest as she went on.

"He said that Sibby had loved me a lot and that he thought that I should know that she had died in a car accident the night before, said he wanted me and her family to find out before it showed up in the papers and on TV…he said that Tom had died too." She looked up at me as I stared at her. "The first thing to my mind was not that my best friend was dead, but oddly enough I asked 'How's Bill?'"

My eyebrows pulled together as she said it.

"I said thank you and hung up the phone. My youth minister could tell something was wrong and walked over to me. I looked up at him and then dialed my mother. She picked up the phone and the only things that came out of my mouth were "Mumma could you do me a favor and call Aunty Stacy and Uncle George and tell them that Sibby died in a car accident?" She let out a large breath.

"I came to make sure that her casket gets back home okay, but to tell you the truth I think her body should stay in Germany with Tom. She really loved him."

"He was going to ask her to marry him on her birthday." I said.  
He had been so overjoyed and said that Sibby told him that I should go out with her best friend. That I would love her.  
At the time I just shrugged it off.

"Next week." She said.

"Next week." I said back.

"Its unreal, this whole thing."

"It is." I said back.

She nodded at me and looked up at the tree.

"I'm kinda cold." She said.

"Have you cried?" I asked back.

She didn't say anything as lightning crackled in the background.

We sat in silence for a while before she turned to me and said "When was the last time you ate a good meal?"

I looked at her for a moment before I realized that I hadn't really eaten anything in weeks, that each time I tried to eat something (most of it by my mothers demanding) I would get sick to my stomach. Once or twice I even threw up in the kitchen sink.

She put her hand on ether side of my face and looked at me.  
"You need food. Maybe some soup. Come on." With that she stood up, her dress clinging dreadfully to her legs, she tucked the plastic rapped paper back into her purse and grabbed my hand, pulling me up.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning I woke with a warm body next to mine.  
It moved and shook with the sobs that came from her chest, every inch of her trembling as she bawled.  
I held onto her soft skin as I pressed my head into her soft hair and cried for the loss of my brother.

I cried for the loss of my other half, I cried for the loss of what isn't to come.  
I cried for the loss of a girl who could have been my sister.

I cried for my band, that would never be the same.  
I cried for my parents and the loss of a child.

I cried for my parents because the only child they had left was with out a doubt not the same one they had had when we had been a pair.

But most of all, I cried, I cried because I could, I cried because I wanted too.

And as I felt the wet, shaking hand grab my own I knew that I would never get over it, I would always feel the raw pain, but that I would be able to live my life with the knowing that I would always have some one that knew me better then I knew myself. . That I just had to wait until it was my turn to go to see him again.


	3. Chapter 3

So as I type these last words to you on my wife's computer that she cherishes so much, the place where she keeps her works, her life, the books she writes and the words she uses everyday to share what she has felt and what she has experienced, as my daughter runs around the house with a pair of underwear on her head, not knowing what pain is, not knowing loss, as Maria cooks dinner for Georg and Gustav before they come over, as I wipe a tear from my eye.  
I hope that my story has hit you in the same way that so many of Maria's books have hit millions of people's hearts, the true life feelings that come along with love and loss.

Now, if you would excuse me, my daughter just ran into a door frame.


End file.
